


Monsters in the Closet

by Ghos-Tea (GhostJ)



Series: The Adventure Goofs [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: And I'm sick, But Totally in a Comedic Way, But not on Tuesday, Closets, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, McElroy Pottymouth Warning, Mild Sexual Content, Taako Tuesday, This is a giant goof, misuse of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9549164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostJ/pseuds/Ghos-Tea
Summary: “Look, just because you’re being all prissy elf about the situation; I say, just lie back and enjoy it while we can.”“Shut up Merle. But seriously Taako, I think if you’d relax, we could squeeze in just enough to let us all get comfortable.”“I swear, if either of you even breathes right now, I will cast scorching ray on all our asses.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I was supposed to sleep, instead you get another fic!  
> I'm relistening to the podcast and was inspired by epidsode 2 of Petals to the Metal. No serious spoilers at all - unless you don't know about Kravitz... But then you are probably confused by 90% of the fic for this fandom, so... actually let's just have a vague spoiler warning up to the end of Crystal Kingdom, yeah?
> 
> Unbeta'd (if you are bored and would like to beta, I will knit you things!) and I am happy, happy, happy to take your comments (and spell / grammar checks).
> 
> Lastly I own nothing to do with these characters and do not provide permission for this work to be hosted anywhere else or remixed in anyway.

_Far away in the Astral Planes,_

“I think if I wiggle this-“

“No! Don’t do that. There isn’t space you asshats!”

“It’ll fit, you pansy. Just stop all your squirming.”

“I said there wasn’t space for both you fucktards!”

“Look, just because you’re being all prissy elf about the situation - I say, just lie back and enjoy it while we can.”

“Shut up Merle. But seriously Taako, I think if you’d relax, we could squeeze in just enough to let us all get comfortable.”

“I swear, if either of you even breathes right now, I will cast scorching ray on _all_ our asses.”

 

Kravitz stared at the closed door in front of him, listening to the muffled conversation, and rather unsure of what he was supposed to do. The reaper had just come back from a particularly challenging assignment, gerblin Necromancers were the worst after all, and had hoped to sneak a quick shower before opening a portal to the Bureau of Balance’s moon base. Not that he _needed_ to shower per se, but it was the principle of the thing _and_ Taako always made sure to comment on how polished his hyoid looked when he took the time before their dates. Anyways, his plan had hit a bit of a snag when he’d realised that he’d tossed his last towel into the laundry chute on Monday and so he’d run over to the hall closet to grab one. And a few extras, just in case he managed to convince Taako to ‘come _down_ for some coffee, homie’ at his place tonight.

He was just lucky that his housemate was out at yoga. Else the whole situation would have been _much_ more awkward, since he was fairly certain that his boyfriend, and his two companions, had somehow managed to trap themselves in said linen closet. An impressive feat, as they’d not just somehow traveled to the Astral Plane, but Kravitz could barely believe there was space enough in there for _Taako_ , let alone his, rather more substantial, companions.

“Taako,” Said, or rather whined, a raspy, but pleasant baritone, which Kravitz surmised was likely Magnus Burnsides. “I’m going to move just a little, ok? My leg is starting to cramp and it won’t go well for any of us if I fall over.”

“Look, Mango. ‘Cha boy here is as easily breakable as fuck right now and when I say there isn’t room - you two trying to squeeze your way in ain’t gonna make it pleasant for anyone!” Kravitz was now intimately familiar with Taako in his many moods, and it was clear that his boyfriend was almost at the end of his rope.

“Look, I have at least two spell slots available.” Came the last voice, which must belong to Merle Highchurch, the… colourful… dwarven cleric. “I say we give it a good shove Magnus, and see if we can split something open.”

Kravitz blinked, rather taken aback at that last point. It wasn’t that he was particularly concerned about Taako engaging in sexual intercourse with his teammates, far be it from him – an immortal other-planar being – to judge, but he was rather annoyed at how blasé Merle and Magnus seemed to be about Taako’s role in the proceedings. In their few sexual encounters so far he had found Taako to be a generous and communicative lover; who was, so far at least, rather charmingly vanilla in his preferences. That being a welcome change for Kravitz from many of the others who’d propositioned him in the past.

“I will burn a spell slot on you,” Taako hissed, loudly enough that Kravitz could still clearly hear him on the other side of the door. “Let’s see how you enjoy being tangled up in Evard’s Black Tentacles you fucker, hun?”

Taako, Kravitz considered, wasn’t the best at stopping people he loved from hurting him though, and so maybe, although he was loathe to interrupt anything _intimate_ , he should see if Taako needed help enforcing his boundaries. That did seem to be a ‘boyfriend’ approved task without straying too far into ‘creepy-fucking-stalker-and-then-you-kill-a-town’ territory. And in any case, he should really ask them to move to a more appropriate venue, hopefully back on in their plane, and more importantly hopefully before his partner came back to their dorm.

With that in mind, and ignoring the increased sounds of shifting from inside the closet, Kravitz reached out and pulled the door open.

Taako let out a squeak of surprise as he fell out of the closet and Kravitz managed a quick dex saving throw, catching the startled elf in his arms to steady him.

“Krav baby,” Taako sighed, swooning against Kravitz’s chest dramatically. “I have no idea why you are here, but you are a _life saver._ ”

Kravitz opened his mouth to ask what was going on, since he’d obviously been far off the mark, only to have Taako cut him off with a hungry kiss. As the elf wrapped his arms around Kravitz’s neck, Kravitz forgot about his awful day, his imminent death at his housemate’s hands, and really anything outside of Taako’s lips, tongue, hands, and body.

“Heh hem,” someone coughed pointedly and Taako pulled back, leaving Kravitz blinking stupidly and trying vainly to remember why he couldn’t just keep kissing his boyfriend.

“Taako,” Magnus said, still inside of the closet. “Taako, old buddy, old pal. You do know that’s the Grim Reaper, right? The Grim Reaper who tried to kills us?”

“He cost me my arm Taako!” Kravitz could hear the snarl in Merle’s voice, however neither him, nor Magnus came out of the closet to confront him.

“True, my guys,” Taako agreed, even as he gently tugged Kravitz’s collar straight. “But he also just saved our asses. You come riding to my rescue, bae?

“You’re in my closet.” Kravitz pointed out, turning to look at the damage.

“Wait – in _your_ closet?!” Taako laughed, delighted. “OMG that was some serious rope trick!”

“I don’t even know what part of that sentence is more disturbing, or if anything at this point could be more disturbing than watching Taako play tonsil hockey with a skeleton.” Magnus said, even as he gave Kravitz a little wave. “But Merle and I are stuck in some shelves here and, now Taako’s out of the way, I think if you gave us a hand we can get out without breaking anything.”

“Give us a hand,” Merle grumbled as Kravitz stepped into the doorway to survey the scene. “Yeah, right. More like take one!”

Kravitz calmly ignored Merle’s comments and Magnus’ constant stream of shushing sounds, absently noting that although everyone looked a bit worse for wear, they all still had all their clothes on. A fact that was more relieving to him than he expected.

“You know,” Taako said, and Kravitz subconsciously leaned back as Taako stepped up behind him to wrap his arms around Kravitz’s chest in a loose hug. “We could just leave them there?”

“Did I say ‘take a hand’?” Merle said, backpedaling immediately. “I meant that- he’d take a hand of applause! That’s right – he’d take applause for getting us out of here.”

“Seriously Taako, I’m not as young as I used to be.” Magnus whined, flexing his knee as much as he could in his position. “I’m a little worried I’m going to fall on Merle if I fail my next strength check.”

“Krav, baby?” Taako asked, leaning even closer so he could rest his chin on Kravitz’s shoulder.

“Although I can’t move to save you from peril Taako,” Kravitz said, threading his fingers with Taako’s where they were clasped across his chest. “I do think it’s in everyone’s best interest to help your friends out of the closet and get you all back home. Preferably before my housemate comes back and things become even more complicated.”

“We’re trapped in the Grim Reaper’s closet in heaven.” Merle countered, his wooden hand tapping against the shelves it was trapped under. “How could things get more complicated?”

“Heeeeyyyy, Taako?” Magnus asked, his voice steady, but vaguely distracted. “Is that my wife standing behind you?”

**Author's Note:**

> So brief explanation - rope trick, which Taako refers to here, is a spell that allows him to open up a portal into another dimension with a rope anchored in it that can then be climbed up. Further, casters can even enter the dimension pocket to hide.  
> I've taken some liberty in where the pocket was located ;p


End file.
